Things in Erin’s Head¬†

 

I’m learning that whenever I get nervous about sending a newsletter it is probably going to be a good one. Subscribers like you have told me they appreciate this little window into my life and today I’m throwing open the sashes, flinging open the French doors, and kicking down the cubicle wall so I can see the light (Office Space style). This edition is particularly unfiltered so consider yourself warned. ūüôā

Picture it.

You’re sloughing down the hall of the office building, fluffy, new-looking, hot pink hoodie on, arms wrapped around your torso, holding fragments of yourself together, hoping you don’t turn to dust and blow away. Your eyes are puffy and pink like the sweatshirt. Your therapist passes you on the way to the bathroom and for a millisecond her eyes appear to protrude¬†and you wonder if you really look THAT bad, then consider that maybe she’s nearsighted. She sucks her eyes back in, smiles and says, “I’ll see you in a minute.” You strain a smile in return and nod.

On the couch there’s tears. So many tears.¬†

“Erin, the healing can’t come from outside sources. It has to come from in here,” and she places¬†spread palms on her torso, covering her heart, covering her belly.

It makes me angry and I throw back at her,¬†“Then what about all those people who say they take healing walks in fucking nature?”

“Have you ever taken a healing walk in nature?”

“No.” (I never filter myself in therapy. I never saw the point.)

And this is why I love my therapist…

“Erin,” She’s leaning toward me now, elbows on her knees, hands clasped loosely, head tilted, because I’m flopped over on the couch with my head on a pillow, looking at her sideways, “Look at me,” she says in an even, uncharged tone. I sit up, but close my eyes briefly to unscramble my brain so I can hear what she’s trying to say. “When I go walk in nature, I don’t SHOW UP feeling good. I start my walk angry. I’m feeling my feelings. I might see people holding hands and think, ‘assholes,’ and I might stomp around, and eventually, I might get to the point where I look up and go, ‘oh, look at that tree,’ and things start to shift.”¬†

Well holy shit. 

Who knew when I got out of the car at Fern Forest two weeks ago and was like, “Here I am. In nature,¬†and nope, I do NOT feel better, this is bullshit,” that I was kind of doing it… wrong.

Who knew there wasn’t a magical,¬†external stimulus¬†that could flip the switch from a place far beyond burn-out, where you have nothing left to give, to ECSTATIC JOY? (who are we kidding, we’d be happy to return to neutrality…)

Who knew all the things – the journaling, the meditating, the walking, the exercise, the nature – are all just tools to help facilitate an INNER process?

Who knew we needed space?

Who knew we needed time? (maybe, just maybe, ten MINUTES in nature isn’t your timeframe?)

Who knew that the damn toxic positivity on social media can really fuck with your brain?

Who knew you can’t think and feel at the same time? (and thinking about how you’re feeling is actually thinking and NOT feeling).

Who knew?

Did you know? 

I mean, I *kind of* knew. I knew the words. I was going through the motions. But I didn’t GET it. I didn’t BELIEVE it.¬†

My word of the year for 2024 is “ease.” So far this year has been anything but eas-y. The lessons I’m learning are educating me – helping me see what I need to create next. But I want to be very, crystal clear that I’m learning these lessons in hindsight. In the moments of darkness I am NOT feeling all “Oh yeah, what is my opportunity to LEARN from this?” No. In the moment there are seas of tears, very dark fears, and on some days the inability to move. Yes, it’s been a little dark over here, y’all. But I’m okay. I’ve leaned a lot on my¬†support system and I’ve taken time for rest. I can see the light peeking out from the end of¬†a long, gloomy tunnel. I also know it’s a process. Today feels pretty good. Tomorrow? Well, we shall see what tomorrow brings… tomorrow.

If you too have been feeling in an icky way:¬†overwhelmed, burned-out, in a low vibration. You aren’t alone. You’re welcome to share your experience with me. Or not. Just know you aren’t alone. And I love you.

Because it’s all about love…

P.S. I found this short and powerful 10 minute meditation that helped me start to shift my vibration a little, so I thought you might enjoy it too. No affiliation, just sharing with love.
ABRAHAM HICKS MORNING AFFIRMATION FOR A GOOD DAY.